Man,I can't beleive how long it has been since l last updated this...l blame no internet and being busy.
Look out for a bunch of stuff being put up this week..
Friday 28 August 2009
Long Way Back From Hell
Man,I can't beleive how long it has been since l last updated this...l blame no internet and being busy.
Look out for a bunch of stuff being put up this week..
Tuesday 14 April 2009
alpha.
the beginning
nights and nights
hours and hours
l waste away
l dream away
to curb the sting
of this age old curse
that runs so clean
through mind through body
through past and present
l spend endless days
wasting away
on a sofa that
l call home
still wishing between
oceans
still coming up alone
my feet still ache
my head stays sore
l wait l wait l wait
no shelter
just time to waste
and nothing to say
tick tick tick tock...
the beginning
nights and nights
hours and hours
l waste away
l dream away
to curb the sting
of this age old curse
that runs so clean
through mind through body
through past and present
l spend endless days
wasting away
on a sofa that
l call home
still wishing between
oceans
still coming up alone
my feet still ache
my head stays sore
l wait l wait l wait
no shelter
just time to waste
and nothing to say
tick tick tick tock...
Sunday 29 March 2009
Real Estate.
it was a cold night, a harrowing night, a nights where the cold from the wind and the vast emptiness of the dark chills you to your very soul.
l lit a cigarrete and stared out the window.the street was eeriely quiet.
l heard scream just then a
women came running out of her house with a man chasing her, she was bleeding.slowly she pulled out a gun and shot him point blank in the head.
he hit the floor with a bang and a crimson pool started seeping through the cracks on the pavement glistening in the moonlight.
the women quietly put the gun away and went back into the house.closed the curtains and turned off the lights.
Just then a moving van pulled up and a family started loading some furniture out.
2 kids around 8 years old walked up to the body stared for a while then carried on playing ball.
the parents just quietly moved the body off there grass and carried on moving.
the sign on there front door said 'welcome to the neighbourhood'
l guess some people will do anything to live in a nice place...
it was a cold night, a harrowing night, a nights where the cold from the wind and the vast emptiness of the dark chills you to your very soul.
l lit a cigarrete and stared out the window.the street was eeriely quiet.
l heard scream just then a
women came running out of her house with a man chasing her, she was bleeding.slowly she pulled out a gun and shot him point blank in the head.
he hit the floor with a bang and a crimson pool started seeping through the cracks on the pavement glistening in the moonlight.
the women quietly put the gun away and went back into the house.closed the curtains and turned off the lights.
Just then a moving van pulled up and a family started loading some furniture out.
2 kids around 8 years old walked up to the body stared for a while then carried on playing ball.
the parents just quietly moved the body off there grass and carried on moving.
the sign on there front door said 'welcome to the neighbourhood'
l guess some people will do anything to live in a nice place...
Saturday 21 March 2009
Solitude 4.
We plow on through sweden,l loved the few days we spent there and head into norway. we have no norwegain currancy and get stuck at the toll booth at the border. l throw in any coins l have and we just bail straight through it.a camera goes off and gets me smiling at it.damn.
we have a 5 hour drive to the show at the bottom on norway and its all along a one road mountain ridge. everyone is already falling asleep and l'm terrifed we are just going to plummet to our death in the middle of norway.luckily its sunny and the weathers ok.
l thought the landscape in sweden were intense but norway is unreal. crazy mountains and rivers intertwining and going on for miles..l dont get much time to stop and take it all in but l'm in awe of some of the things l see.
Somewhere in Poland...this is by far the bleakest country l have ever been, its just misery everywhere l look, half the roads we are driving on are'nt even finished with huge mounds of rubble by the sides and on the road.
After about 3 hours of driving through the countryside with nothing but abandoned building and people selling what looks like rocks at the side of the road we finally come to civilsations.
perhaps l have judged poland too early, the city looks real nice and clean ,although trying to find somwhere to eat is a nightmare.
we get to the show and l see some food on the table for us so l dive in, just before l take a bit l look up at everyones faces and they just drop..l take a bite and its the worst thingl have ever tasted, its some kind of banana.rasin and tomato pasta concoction and is so grimm.l load up on bread and ask the promoter where l can make a phone call.
he shouts over his friend who kindly tells me that he needs to come with me as the area is very dangerous and l will get robbed if they hear l'm english.
l realise a phone call is not worth gettting stabbed for and politely decline using it.
the show is pretty busy and we start playing, straight away the front of the crowd which consists of huge skinhead men start thrashing and jumping around, l get knocked back into dans guitar and now l'm scared. these guys are laying waste to anyone on the way and my muscular 10 stone frame is no match so l just have to keep bobbing and moving not to get hit.
After the show it feels like my stomach is trying to eat its way out l'm so hungry. we wander round the town and find a fast food place. l feel like a total english idiot as l can't read the menu or understand what the staff are saying,the only vegetarian option l see is pizza and l sit down literally dying to eat.
the pizza arrives and l look in bewilderment, it basically a slice of bread with some cheese on top as the waitress come over and squits a big dollop of ketchup in the middle.
l cautiosly take a bite as l'm so hungry l could eat my own hands right about now so some weird pizza bread will have to do.
we head back to where we are staying, a huge room next to a porn shop.go figure.
l get into my sleeping bag on a cold wooden floor and thank god we are leaving tommorow.
Our last show is in east germany and its a million degrees in the venue, l am sweating just writing this. the show was real good though but once it finishes l grab everyone and we say goodbye and jump in the van, we have 12 hours to drive through 4 countries to get the ferry home.
It goes fine until we hit belguim., everyine is asleep and l cant see the road anymore, the lines and colour are blending into one, l start hallucinating and my eyes close every 2 seconds.
l jump keep on driving like a machine, l know we have to get this ferry so l keep going. l count at least 6 speed camers flash the van and l'm swerving all over the road but l'm still going.
by the time we are 50 miles from calais my eyes have melted into my brain, l cant focus on anything and l am pretty much half asleep all the way, l have been awake for 26 hours now and still have a 5 hour drive when we get into england.
we get to the ferry with 30 mins to spare,everyone wakes up and we decide to count the tour money,we have a stack but then dan decides to mention we owe his parents loads to fix the van before we got it which leaves fuck all left.everyone looks bummed and l worry how l m gonna pay rent.
Back on home turf l put my foot to the floor and head up the motorwayay, l dont care how tired l am l just wanna get home. the van starts making a weird noise and l think 'fuck' its gonna break down. if it does l'm pushing it home,l'd gone past the point of reason by now.
finally 4 hours later we pull into sheffield and load out.later when dan starts the van up, the engine starts smoking and melts and we have to scrap the van..l think the gods were looking down on us for at least one night,haha
l take my clothes off and get into bed,a real bed for the first time in 3 weeks is amazing.l close my eyes and my head's heavy full of memories, stories and good times. l smile and start to dream....
We plow on through sweden,l loved the few days we spent there and head into norway. we have no norwegain currancy and get stuck at the toll booth at the border. l throw in any coins l have and we just bail straight through it.a camera goes off and gets me smiling at it.damn.
we have a 5 hour drive to the show at the bottom on norway and its all along a one road mountain ridge. everyone is already falling asleep and l'm terrifed we are just going to plummet to our death in the middle of norway.luckily its sunny and the weathers ok.
l thought the landscape in sweden were intense but norway is unreal. crazy mountains and rivers intertwining and going on for miles..l dont get much time to stop and take it all in but l'm in awe of some of the things l see.
Somewhere in Poland...this is by far the bleakest country l have ever been, its just misery everywhere l look, half the roads we are driving on are'nt even finished with huge mounds of rubble by the sides and on the road.
After about 3 hours of driving through the countryside with nothing but abandoned building and people selling what looks like rocks at the side of the road we finally come to civilsations.
perhaps l have judged poland too early, the city looks real nice and clean ,although trying to find somwhere to eat is a nightmare.
we get to the show and l see some food on the table for us so l dive in, just before l take a bit l look up at everyones faces and they just drop..l take a bite and its the worst thingl have ever tasted, its some kind of banana.rasin and tomato pasta concoction and is so grimm.l load up on bread and ask the promoter where l can make a phone call.
he shouts over his friend who kindly tells me that he needs to come with me as the area is very dangerous and l will get robbed if they hear l'm english.
l realise a phone call is not worth gettting stabbed for and politely decline using it.
the show is pretty busy and we start playing, straight away the front of the crowd which consists of huge skinhead men start thrashing and jumping around, l get knocked back into dans guitar and now l'm scared. these guys are laying waste to anyone on the way and my muscular 10 stone frame is no match so l just have to keep bobbing and moving not to get hit.
After the show it feels like my stomach is trying to eat its way out l'm so hungry. we wander round the town and find a fast food place. l feel like a total english idiot as l can't read the menu or understand what the staff are saying,the only vegetarian option l see is pizza and l sit down literally dying to eat.
the pizza arrives and l look in bewilderment, it basically a slice of bread with some cheese on top as the waitress come over and squits a big dollop of ketchup in the middle.
l cautiosly take a bite as l'm so hungry l could eat my own hands right about now so some weird pizza bread will have to do.
we head back to where we are staying, a huge room next to a porn shop.go figure.
l get into my sleeping bag on a cold wooden floor and thank god we are leaving tommorow.
Our last show is in east germany and its a million degrees in the venue, l am sweating just writing this. the show was real good though but once it finishes l grab everyone and we say goodbye and jump in the van, we have 12 hours to drive through 4 countries to get the ferry home.
It goes fine until we hit belguim., everyine is asleep and l cant see the road anymore, the lines and colour are blending into one, l start hallucinating and my eyes close every 2 seconds.
l jump keep on driving like a machine, l know we have to get this ferry so l keep going. l count at least 6 speed camers flash the van and l'm swerving all over the road but l'm still going.
by the time we are 50 miles from calais my eyes have melted into my brain, l cant focus on anything and l am pretty much half asleep all the way, l have been awake for 26 hours now and still have a 5 hour drive when we get into england.
we get to the ferry with 30 mins to spare,everyone wakes up and we decide to count the tour money,we have a stack but then dan decides to mention we owe his parents loads to fix the van before we got it which leaves fuck all left.everyone looks bummed and l worry how l m gonna pay rent.
Back on home turf l put my foot to the floor and head up the motorwayay, l dont care how tired l am l just wanna get home. the van starts making a weird noise and l think 'fuck' its gonna break down. if it does l'm pushing it home,l'd gone past the point of reason by now.
finally 4 hours later we pull into sheffield and load out.later when dan starts the van up, the engine starts smoking and melts and we have to scrap the van..l think the gods were looking down on us for at least one night,haha
l take my clothes off and get into bed,a real bed for the first time in 3 weeks is amazing.l close my eyes and my head's heavy full of memories, stories and good times. l smile and start to dream....
Wednesday 18 March 2009
Solitude 3
l awake with a loud screaming, l open my eyes and look across at 5 children screaming and running around the ferry deck. l curse under my breathe and want to throw one of those damn kids overboard.
l rub my eyes and sit up and look out the window. we are just pulling into the port. the sun is blazing and the sea is as clear as crystal.l go and find the rest of the band and we pile into the van.
l worked out l had about 3 hours sleep and now we have another 6 hour drive to the middle of sweden.l feel like l should just glue myself to the drivers seat.
We head off through the country, everyones dying of hunger and l promise to stop at the first food place we see.after about an hour. a burger king comes into sight.great...welcome to sweden.
The sun is out and the landscape looks unreal.l can finally relax. the sun can really bring out the best in people sometimes.l watch the trees, houses and people wizz past me as l drive, a vortex of colours and sounds l'm desperatly trying to focus on and store.
After a few hours we pull into the venue and pile out. l have a wonder round the city and soak up the amazing architecture and amazing scenery .l sit down and lay on some steps and stare at the sky.its a dazzling blue and at that moment l wanted to stay there forever.
After the show we all head into town and go to a club.the singer from one of the support bands in serving behind the bar and keeps loading everyone up with shots that taste like the worst cough medicine you can imagine.
After a hour everyone is fucked.a constant stream of liquor and pretty women and everyones going nuts.dan and josh are going round every girl in there trying to get some action.
Not being a big drinker l feel trashed, my head is thumping and everything is starting to look fuzzy but l feel good and its nice to be relaxing with my friends miles away from home.
After a few more drinks everything just starts to get hazy...
The club closes and kicks everyone out.now with night of liqour inside them everyone goes crazy outside and starts screaming and generally acting nuts.josh who was trying to get with this girl all night starts screaming at the guy shes with and going wild at him, the guy who obviosluy doesnt understand a northern english accent looks terrified.so l pull him away just as the swedish guy we are with come over and tells us we need to leave now,l look up the street and see a bunch of skinheads staring down at us.apparantly someone told them there was a bunch of drunk english guys in town and they came down to fight.
no one notices this and l try and round everyone up to leave, the last thing l want is trouble this far away from home.
we somehow manage to get back to the venue we are sleeping at,we cram into a room with some bunk beds and the chaos continues.everyone starts jumping and pulling the beds off the wall, a pillow and a chest of draws go out the window and everyone is just laughing.l dont know whats going on but l start laughing uncontroallbly and soon everyone on is on the floor in stitches,no ones has any idea why we are laughing and l think to myself this must be what insanity feels like..
After a while everyone calms down and we try and sleep, l curl up in my sleeping bag and everything is still very fuzzy, l have a feeling l'll regret this come morning...TBC
l awake with a loud screaming, l open my eyes and look across at 5 children screaming and running around the ferry deck. l curse under my breathe and want to throw one of those damn kids overboard.
l rub my eyes and sit up and look out the window. we are just pulling into the port. the sun is blazing and the sea is as clear as crystal.l go and find the rest of the band and we pile into the van.
l worked out l had about 3 hours sleep and now we have another 6 hour drive to the middle of sweden.l feel like l should just glue myself to the drivers seat.
We head off through the country, everyones dying of hunger and l promise to stop at the first food place we see.after about an hour. a burger king comes into sight.great...welcome to sweden.
The sun is out and the landscape looks unreal.l can finally relax. the sun can really bring out the best in people sometimes.l watch the trees, houses and people wizz past me as l drive, a vortex of colours and sounds l'm desperatly trying to focus on and store.
After a few hours we pull into the venue and pile out. l have a wonder round the city and soak up the amazing architecture and amazing scenery .l sit down and lay on some steps and stare at the sky.its a dazzling blue and at that moment l wanted to stay there forever.
After the show we all head into town and go to a club.the singer from one of the support bands in serving behind the bar and keeps loading everyone up with shots that taste like the worst cough medicine you can imagine.
After a hour everyone is fucked.a constant stream of liquor and pretty women and everyones going nuts.dan and josh are going round every girl in there trying to get some action.
Not being a big drinker l feel trashed, my head is thumping and everything is starting to look fuzzy but l feel good and its nice to be relaxing with my friends miles away from home.
After a few more drinks everything just starts to get hazy...
The club closes and kicks everyone out.now with night of liqour inside them everyone goes crazy outside and starts screaming and generally acting nuts.josh who was trying to get with this girl all night starts screaming at the guy shes with and going wild at him, the guy who obviosluy doesnt understand a northern english accent looks terrified.so l pull him away just as the swedish guy we are with come over and tells us we need to leave now,l look up the street and see a bunch of skinheads staring down at us.apparantly someone told them there was a bunch of drunk english guys in town and they came down to fight.
no one notices this and l try and round everyone up to leave, the last thing l want is trouble this far away from home.
we somehow manage to get back to the venue we are sleeping at,we cram into a room with some bunk beds and the chaos continues.everyone starts jumping and pulling the beds off the wall, a pillow and a chest of draws go out the window and everyone is just laughing.l dont know whats going on but l start laughing uncontroallbly and soon everyone on is on the floor in stitches,no ones has any idea why we are laughing and l think to myself this must be what insanity feels like..
After a while everyone calms down and we try and sleep, l curl up in my sleeping bag and everything is still very fuzzy, l have a feeling l'll regret this come morning...TBC
notes from a bathtub..
l watched the tide rise and fall and spit furiously at the rocks like the gods were taking pot shots at me.l took a big breathe in and smelt the faint promise of better days and saw etched in the sand years of timeless memories.is life just a series of moments and fragments pieced together so we you look back it just seems to fit no matter if it ever did?. we are all so tightly connected by words. simple phrases that can make or break the way you feel and yet we cant say exactly what we feel most of the time.we live by feigned instinct and an underlying desire to be accepted.
but no matter how hard the storm takes hold the unexpected can hit at any moment, like an anchor that suddenly grounds you to a halt.we get so borne down by routines that we can bypass even the most simple pleasures in life.how can l live today when l keep looking to yesterday?
She walks in,l smile, she smiles,she wanders over to me.we exchange pleasantries, an awkward silence appears grippng me so tighly l can hardly breathe,sweat builds around my neck and my mind races for something cool and relaxed to say,seconds pass but l feel like l’ve been here for days.once so close now distance looms over us like an ever threatening rain cloud.my stomach knots up and my heart starts thumping.l could once tell this person anything now l struggle to say hello.l tear out my bones to build a wall between me and these never ending emotions.
my heart feels like a machine, little men turning cogs and wheels to flow blood and words to my brain and back but sometimes they go on strike leaving my heart to go overtime resulting in many emotions and feelings spilling out if my mouth with no control splattering on paper like a rorschach test.
l stand at the edge of darkness and wait for the night to swallow me whole.
god damn, l cant write anything today....
tonight i am down to my soul
tonight i am gambling with my sentiment
tonight i am gambling with my salvation
tonight i am damned to my soul
l watched the tide rise and fall and spit furiously at the rocks like the gods were taking pot shots at me.l took a big breathe in and smelt the faint promise of better days and saw etched in the sand years of timeless memories.is life just a series of moments and fragments pieced together so we you look back it just seems to fit no matter if it ever did?. we are all so tightly connected by words. simple phrases that can make or break the way you feel and yet we cant say exactly what we feel most of the time.we live by feigned instinct and an underlying desire to be accepted.
but no matter how hard the storm takes hold the unexpected can hit at any moment, like an anchor that suddenly grounds you to a halt.we get so borne down by routines that we can bypass even the most simple pleasures in life.how can l live today when l keep looking to yesterday?
She walks in,l smile, she smiles,she wanders over to me.we exchange pleasantries, an awkward silence appears grippng me so tighly l can hardly breathe,sweat builds around my neck and my mind races for something cool and relaxed to say,seconds pass but l feel like l’ve been here for days.once so close now distance looms over us like an ever threatening rain cloud.my stomach knots up and my heart starts thumping.l could once tell this person anything now l struggle to say hello.l tear out my bones to build a wall between me and these never ending emotions.
my heart feels like a machine, little men turning cogs and wheels to flow blood and words to my brain and back but sometimes they go on strike leaving my heart to go overtime resulting in many emotions and feelings spilling out if my mouth with no control splattering on paper like a rorschach test.
l stand at the edge of darkness and wait for the night to swallow me whole.
god damn, l cant write anything today....
tonight i am down to my soul
tonight i am gambling with my sentiment
tonight i am gambling with my salvation
tonight i am damned to my soul
Tuesday 17 March 2009
Friday 13 March 2009
l packed my bags and l left
this restlessness could not sit still any more
l walked for miles
past the ocean
past parks
past streets
past houses with no one home
past the grass where l sat most summer evenings
reading miller's adventures in paris
and l saw faces of my past in every store window
and shadows of myself behind every tree
and l washed it all away
to watch the sun set behind a backdrop of stars
and feel the night cut through me like a thousand knives
so with a heavy heart and a wandering mind
l swallowed 5 years in one breath
and went into battle with time.
Thursday 12 March 2009
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