we sit
salt stained and bone dry
we protest
and pass through the days of broken sleep
with the beating of our hearts
with the clicking of our bones
to the nights that never seem to end
and the dawns that rise to the same routine
l stay
frozen in the headlights of my discontent
still quiet
l breathe in
desperation reigns
l bleed out
like the ouroboros we try
life
love
regret
forget.

Remnants..


With the weather slowly warming up, what is it about sunny days that make me feel so damn nostalgic.
it's strange how a certain sound,smell or sight can cast you back to a certain time or a certain place and make you feel melancholic and bittersweet.
l've always had a problem with looking at the past through rose tinted glasses and l dont know when it will stop, will l keep looking to the past wishing for those days to be back when in hindsight they were not that great and just pass buy the good things in the present beacuse l'm always looking into the past.
l know most people dont reminisce about the past as strongly as l do and l hope that one day l'll be content with what l have.
some sunny days sure beat the hell out of me..

As the sun crept down and ate everything in it's path...

I awoke with a shooting pain,it was my arm,a familiar throbbing sharp sensation that feels like your arm is on fire and every muscle and tendon is screaming all at once, l started shaking it to get the blood flowing when l adjusted my blurry eyes and realised l did not recognise the room l was in. confused my head hit the pillow and a sweet scent hit my nose life a slap in the face.
My mind drifted back to last night, l vaguely remembered a girl but the thumping in my head and the horrible taste in my mouth told me l drank more than l should have.
I jumped up and looked around the room, it was a cheap hotel room.The walls were stained yellow from years of cigarette smoke.
my clothes were strewn on the floor and there was a condom packet on the side of the bed.
What the hell happened? Going out on a bender was a regular occurance for me and waking up next to strange women even more so, still l was racking my brain thinking back to the night but for some reason l couldn’t remember anything, just patches of darkness and shaowdy figures clouding my mind.
I went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face and attempted to freshen up,l looked at my watch ‘8.32’.
Damn, l was supposed to be at work in 25 mins.
I threw my clothes on and jumped out the door.
I soon realised where l was and managed to grab a taxi, l still felt hungover and my suit smelt like a tobbaco factory.
The taxi pulled up outside a huge steel building with men and women in suits rushing about, l had worked here for 5 years , a nameless office inputting data for 8 hours a day, l had become numb to it all. Days of hellish work and nights of drinking and sleeping around,it was a futile existence but l felt like that was all l had, the dreams and hopes I had at 21 were long gone.
I bailed out of the taxi and got in the elevator to the 6th floor where l worked, l figured l could slip into my office unoticed and try and work my hangover off.
I managed to get in my office and get my computer started, l looked out the window the sun was beaming and the birds were chirping, l’d looked out the window a million times but never had noticed the sky before, it looked different, a million colours dazzling and blending into one and
shining directly into my soul.
Still casting my mind back to last night it was just a blur, l vaguley remembered meeting some girl but after that l cant remember anything.strange.must have been something in the tequilla.
About an hour in to my working day, l felt an itching on my back,l attempted to scratch it with my pen but it wouldn’t go away, over the next 2 hours the itching became worse and worse,it felt like someone was prodding me with a knitting needle, l kept scratching and scratching and suddenty felt these 2 little lumps appear under my shoulderblades.
I suddently felt very sick, ‘what was wrong with me’ l ran to the bathroom and pulled off my shirt, l turnedd to the mirror and l could see my skin bulging and tearing,it felt like thousands of needles were sticking in my back, blood started to trickle out and and the skin started to tear and all of a sudden these 2 little leg type protusions appared on my back, l was very scared l ddint know what to do so l wiped up the blood and l put my shirt back on and went back to my office. my head was pounding sweat was dripping from my forehead and l was shaking, l didnt know what to do, a thousand terible thoughts wizzed through my head about what was happening to me.
The itiching continued and l could hear the seams of my shirt rippng, they were getting bigger, my head was spinning , the flourescent lights in my office were making me dizzy,l ran back to the bathroom and ripped off my shirt. The legs had grown into what l could only describe as wings,
Now l was really freaking out.l had to get outside, l ran down the fire escape so no one could see me and ran onto the street, l stopped and just looked around, l didn’t know what to do or where to go, just then l noticed an attractive girl walking on the other side af the street and it just hit me, everything from the night before came flooding back,the club, the girl,talking about how much my life was meaningless and how she said she could help me.
l flew into a blind panic 'She must have done this! ' I ran across the street narrowingly missing getting hit by 2 or 3 cars and junped in front of her,l grabbed here and started shaking her.
‘what have you done to me’ l yelled.. l have fucking wings growing out of my back,what the hells have you done to me’!
Just then she just looked at me and everything around me stopped. Her eyes shone a dazzling brilliant blue that nearly blinded me,'l have set you free'
and she turned and carried on walking,l just stood there trying to process it all, just then the sun seemed to rise up over the buildings and shine on me, everything around me went into slow motion and a strange sense of calmness came over me,
Just then my back started twitching, l felt myself being slwoly lifetd up, the wings in my bag had no grown huhe and were flapping, l was being lifted up and up past my work builiding and over the street, everything looked so small and insignificant. The sun shone blindingly and everything seemes to grow in colour,every sound and thought was blocked out and l could feel myself flying faster and faster,the sun grew brigher and brighter and the landscape slowly became smaller and smaller until there was nothing left.l closed my eyes and felt everything wash over me.

the past few nights these 3 songs have been on constant rotation.

l'm a sucker for anything instrumental.



Amazing Husker Du Cover


One of the best bands ever..

Wax Hearts

‘Morning’..’ morning’ l replied battling through the wind and rain of this dreary brighton street, another day on my way to work, another day oi the same old routine.l arrived at work and sat down.
I grabbed a coffee and wished away the next few hours until my lunch break.
Sure enough 12pm came around and l grabbed my coat and headed out the door,
I headed straight for ‘the vinyl tap’ a great used record store that l frequented almost every luchtime and spent most of my wages in there.
‘hey stan’ l shouted as l walked in, stan was the owner and older than prob all the records in there but he kept the prices low and was a nice guy, ‘ hi dean, hows work?’ he replied.
‘ ha the same as ever, l swear l’m gonna go mad one of these days’ ‘why don’t you retire and let me run this place?’
‘haha’ stan laughed out loud ‘ you would bankrupt me by taking all the stock before anyone even came in’no chance’
l laughed because l knew it was true, l glanced around and asked stan if there was anything new in.
‘They were just brought in’ pointing to a box in the back, ‘l havent had time to go throught them yet so have a look’
I wandered over to the box and had a look through, a few good records, some decent stuff.
Just then while browing through l looked up and something caught my eye,a record on the wall, l had been in here a thousand times and never noticed it, there was something about it, it shone brightly and looked so precious that l had to look at it.
Hey stan, whats this record,l’ve never seen it before’
‘I found it in a box of old records l got at an auction. I don’t know much about it’
l took it off the wall and stared at it, l cuold see my reflection in it and it had a warm glow to it that l had never felt ,l had to have it,l had no idea what it sounded like and it had nothing on it apart from the words ‘amore perso’ so it could have been anything but something inside me had to have it.
I gtabbed it and gave stan some cash and left for my way back to work.
I got into work late and saw her walking towards me, she was the most beautiful women l had ever seen and l had admired her from afar for years but never had the nerve to talk to her, she walked towards me and my heart started pounding, l put my head down and quickly brushed past her, l don’t know why l could talk t her,her name was isobell and l had been in love with her since the moment l saw her.
She was the only reason l still worked here.
The next few hours passed and l rushed home, l pulled out the record and put it on, the most beautiful sound came out of my speakers, a haunting yet magical melody, l’d never heard anything like it, it was so sad yet so beautiful at the same time, l constantly listened to it and the more l did the more it sounded like a women singing was crying out for something, l tried to find some information on it but there was nothing.
Even when the record was off it constantly played in my head.
My dreams were filled with the sound of this record and the images of a beautiful women walking through the streets crying.
I woke up covered in sweat, l could not get the sound of the women out of my head.
At work the next day the sound of the record drowned out everything, it kept getting louder and louder untill l could concentrate anymore.
I went to get a drink of water and saw isobell, everything seemed to stop around me and the music in my head quietened down,l started to feel different as if something was pushing me to go over to her,l slowly approached her desk and started to talk, she looked like a rose, she sat there so precious ,so beautiful,the sun shone onto her hair like the fires of apollo himself.as dark as the night sky and as soft as a thousand feathers.l slowly asked if she would accompany me for a drink tonight and to my surprise she agreeded.
l walked back to my office on cloud 9,it felt like a dream.
On my lunch break l ran to see stan and tell him the good news but when l got the the store it was boarded up, l looked thought the window and it looked lke nothing had been there for years, l was so confused,l was only here yesterday, Stan didn’t say anything about shutting down.l didn’t know what to think.l asked a guy painting the next building if he had seen the shop close down but he just looked at me strangely and replied ‘there’s been nothing open in there mate for years’
Hmm, l couldn’t figure out what was going on so
l skipped work and went home to get ready for my date.
l put the record on and it seemed more intense, the womens voice getting louder and more sullen.my head started thumping so l switched it off but it still played round and round in my head.
l quickly got ready and went to meet isobell, we had a great time, l felt like another person had taken over my body, l wasn’t nervous or scared and it just seemed to go so well.We had a lot in common and it turns out she was a music lover so l quietly asked if she wanted to come back t mine and listen to some records.she agreed and we headed back to my place.
We sat down with a couple of drinks and l decided to put ‘amore perso’ on , as soon as the first few seconds came throught the speaker isobells eyes were wide open and started to well up, she started shaking and looked shocked.
She started crying.
‘Isobell, are you ok?, whats the matter?’ l asked
‘n-n-nothing dean, ermmm l have to go’
She grabbed her coat and ran out the door.
I stood there baffled and confused, had l done something wrong? l couldn’t figure it out.it was going so well.l felt horrible and just climbed into bed.
‘bzzz,bzzzz’, l woke up with a bolt and heard the doorbell ,l looked at my watch 2.47am. who would be coming round at this time?
l got dressed and opened the door, it was isobell.
‘Dean, l have to show you something.’
‘isobell, are you ok? You just ran out earlier’
‘l’m ok, l need you to listen to something’
We went to my room and out of her bag she pulled out a record , it was identical to mine and had the words ‘amore perso’ inscribed onto it but there was something about it that was different.
‘ hey where did you get that from, l have the same record’
‘Please dean just play them together’
l got my spare record player and and placed her record on it, it started playing and the same sad sound came out of the speakers,just then a mans voice,deep and tortured came out of the speaker and this brilliant light filled the room.
My record player started and both records started playing.
A brilliant sound so beautifull filled the room lounder than anything l have ever hear, a brillaint red light filled my eyes and the sound that was once so sad suddenly changed to a happier sound,the record player started shaking and the music kept getting louder and the light brighter,l could see a thing.
The music kept getting louder and louder until it was unbearable, l put my heands over my ears and closed my eyes.
A few second later the room was suddenly quiet and dark like nothing had happened, l turned to isobell.
‘ermm ,what just happened’
she looked at the record players and both records were gone.
Isobell was crying ‘l have to tell you something’
She started talking about a tale of forbidden love between a king and a servant girl in the 13th century, both were exeucted for adultury and somehow there spirit’s had been searching for each other ever since,Isobel inherited the record from her grandfather who told her the story and she hadn’t believed it until the moment she heard my record.
l didn’t know what to think about what l had just heard and seen, it all seemed so far fetched, l walked over the the window saw the sun rising up , it seemed to rise directly above my window and it shone so brightly throught the room, l looked at isobll and her eyes sparkeld like diamonds and her hair was as golden as the sun and she had never looked so beautiful, l leaned in and kissed her lips.the room lit up blindingly bright just as my speakers started up and the most beautiful sound came out filling up the room.at that moment nothing else mattered.