notes from a bathtub..
l watched the tide rise and fall and spit furiously at the rocks like the gods were taking pot shots at me.l took a big breathe in and smelt the faint promise of better days and saw etched in the sand years of timeless memories.is life just a series of moments and fragments pieced together so we you look back it just seems to fit no matter if it ever did?. we are all so tightly connected by words. simple phrases that can make or break the way you feel and yet we cant say exactly what we feel most of the time.we live by feigned instinct and an underlying desire to be accepted.
but no matter how hard the storm takes hold the unexpected can hit at any moment, like an anchor that suddenly grounds you to a halt.we get so borne down by routines that we can bypass even the most simple pleasures in life.how can l live today when l keep looking to yesterday?
She walks in,l smile, she smiles,she wanders over to me.we exchange pleasantries, an awkward silence appears grippng me so tighly l can hardly breathe,sweat builds around my neck and my mind races for something cool and relaxed to say,seconds pass but l feel like l’ve been here for days.once so close now distance looms over us like an ever threatening rain cloud.my stomach knots up and my heart starts thumping.l could once tell this person anything now l struggle to say hello.l tear out my bones to build a wall between me and these never ending emotions.
my heart feels like a machine, little men turning cogs and wheels to flow blood and words to my brain and back but sometimes they go on strike leaving my heart to go overtime resulting in many emotions and feelings spilling out if my mouth with no control splattering on paper like a rorschach test.
l stand at the edge of darkness and wait for the night to swallow me whole.
god damn, l cant write anything today....
tonight i am down to my soul
tonight i am gambling with my sentiment
tonight i am gambling with my salvation
tonight i am damned to my soul
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Friday, 13 March 2009
l packed my bags and l left
this restlessness could not sit still any more
l walked for miles
past the ocean
past parks
past streets
past houses with no one home
past the grass where l sat most summer evenings
reading miller's adventures in paris
and l saw faces of my past in every store window
and shadows of myself behind every tree
and l washed it all away
to watch the sun set behind a backdrop of stars
and feel the night cut through me like a thousand knives
so with a heavy heart and a wandering mind
l swallowed 5 years in one breath
and went into battle with time.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Monday, 9 March 2009
Solitude II
we pull up to the show, its cold and miserable and we are playing in what looks like a practise room, again it's fucking freezing in here and l'm cursing leaving my gloves behind at someones house.it's so cold that l'd give anything for the warm touch of flesh on flesh right now.
l look around for somewhere to take a piss and head into the corner of a shed that looks straight out of the texas chainsaw massacre, l'm half expecting to be dragged inside and killed.
theres so many people around yet l've never felt so alone.time seems to stop when l'm away and l feel like l'm starting to rust,my insides a mess of circuits and oil.
l'm head back inside and dan pulls me over wanting the keys to the van, turns out he wants to go and sleep with some girl he just met in the van..l guess romance isnt dead after all.l am already so so tired and straight after the show we have to drive to sweden.
driving through the night to make it to the ferry port,everyone else is asleep and l feel like my eyelid are being pulled down every 2 seconds, to keep me eyes open is a constant battle and not a very fun one. theres nothing scarier than falling asleep into that half sleep/half awake zone that comes from total exhaustion when you are driving.
l wake u with a jolt and open a window and am hit with a blast of icy cold air. l read somewhere the longest a person went without sleep was eleven days,l guess after so much exhaustion your body just runs on auto pilot.
a few hours later and my bodys auto pilot has served me well, we get to the ferry port at dawn and board on, l throw my sleeping bag down and curl up under next to a window, l look out across the sea and my eyes start to drift....TBC
we pull up to the show, its cold and miserable and we are playing in what looks like a practise room, again it's fucking freezing in here and l'm cursing leaving my gloves behind at someones house.it's so cold that l'd give anything for the warm touch of flesh on flesh right now.
l look around for somewhere to take a piss and head into the corner of a shed that looks straight out of the texas chainsaw massacre, l'm half expecting to be dragged inside and killed.
theres so many people around yet l've never felt so alone.time seems to stop when l'm away and l feel like l'm starting to rust,my insides a mess of circuits and oil.
l'm head back inside and dan pulls me over wanting the keys to the van, turns out he wants to go and sleep with some girl he just met in the van..l guess romance isnt dead after all.l am already so so tired and straight after the show we have to drive to sweden.
driving through the night to make it to the ferry port,everyone else is asleep and l feel like my eyelid are being pulled down every 2 seconds, to keep me eyes open is a constant battle and not a very fun one. theres nothing scarier than falling asleep into that half sleep/half awake zone that comes from total exhaustion when you are driving.
l wake u with a jolt and open a window and am hit with a blast of icy cold air. l read somewhere the longest a person went without sleep was eleven days,l guess after so much exhaustion your body just runs on auto pilot.
a few hours later and my bodys auto pilot has served me well, we get to the ferry port at dawn and board on, l throw my sleeping bag down and curl up under next to a window, l look out across the sea and my eyes start to drift....TBC
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Solitude.
5.49am.On a sofa in somewhere in germany, the room is pitch black and dan is snoring so loud l can't hear myself think,it makes me wanna go over and somther him with his god damn sleeping bag, l turn over and my whole body aches and creaks from the show last night, l dont know how much longer l can keep this up, giving my soul to rooms of uninterested people each night, laying down my bones for the vultures to pick off in the name of performance. it's getting tiring.
l put my headphones in and try to drift off to sleep despite knowing l have to be up in 3 hours for another 8 hour drive.great.
l stare into the darkness trying to focus on whats in the room ,recently sleep has become an alien concept to me,my nights are filled with patches of broken sleep,nighmares and nostalgia.
l cant tell the difference between reality and dreaming anymore,everything seems to move in slow motion.
l awake after what seems like a minute of sleep and get washed up and load into the van.
everyones moaning about being tired but if they'd gone to bed instead of drinking all night then maybe they wouldnt be tired.
another long drive with nothing but forced conversation and a constant worry about how we are gonna eat today. l just sit with my head on the window staring out over the landscape, a different country yet the feeling stays the same.l feel like a solitary cloud rolling over the hills and through the skies and everything that touches me just falls away.
josh is talking about some girl he's trying to hook up with at the show tonight and l just cringe, l spend almost 24 hours with these people, my 'best friends', but of late l find l couldnt be so further apart from then, everyone feels it l think, like an unbearable anchor pulling us down slowly and l'm the one forcing it down.l get so frustrated with myself sometimes l feel like tearing open my chest to see if there's anything in there......TBC
5.49am.On a sofa in somewhere in germany, the room is pitch black and dan is snoring so loud l can't hear myself think,it makes me wanna go over and somther him with his god damn sleeping bag, l turn over and my whole body aches and creaks from the show last night, l dont know how much longer l can keep this up, giving my soul to rooms of uninterested people each night, laying down my bones for the vultures to pick off in the name of performance. it's getting tiring.
l put my headphones in and try to drift off to sleep despite knowing l have to be up in 3 hours for another 8 hour drive.great.
l stare into the darkness trying to focus on whats in the room ,recently sleep has become an alien concept to me,my nights are filled with patches of broken sleep,nighmares and nostalgia.
l cant tell the difference between reality and dreaming anymore,everything seems to move in slow motion.
l awake after what seems like a minute of sleep and get washed up and load into the van.
everyones moaning about being tired but if they'd gone to bed instead of drinking all night then maybe they wouldnt be tired.
another long drive with nothing but forced conversation and a constant worry about how we are gonna eat today. l just sit with my head on the window staring out over the landscape, a different country yet the feeling stays the same.l feel like a solitary cloud rolling over the hills and through the skies and everything that touches me just falls away.
josh is talking about some girl he's trying to hook up with at the show tonight and l just cringe, l spend almost 24 hours with these people, my 'best friends', but of late l find l couldnt be so further apart from then, everyone feels it l think, like an unbearable anchor pulling us down slowly and l'm the one forcing it down.l get so frustrated with myself sometimes l feel like tearing open my chest to see if there's anything in there......TBC
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Southern Discomfort.
It's 3.39am and on another bout of chronic insomnia l cant help but think over the past year and the changes that have led me to this current situation.
so much has changed in the past year, a new city, new jobs, new friends but gaining that l've lost some good old friends, a band that consumed my life for 6 years and a general sense of security.now l sit unemployed, broke and moving out in 3 weeks with no place or home to go to as yet and it l never thought that a few months of bad circumstances would change my life so drastically and make me feel so lost and feeling my age for the first time.
l guess it's all part of growing up and nothings ever really certain in life but l guess l find charges hard sometimes especially when it comes to friends, its strange how you can be so close to someone for so long then with insignificant things such as jobs,girlfriends,locations etc get in the way it can all just fall apart so quick.
l guess l'm just in a melancholic mood tonight.
the days grow longer and the nights grow darker.....
this songs sums up my mood right now
but this songs gives me hope as things could be a lot worse.
what a riff!
It's 3.39am and on another bout of chronic insomnia l cant help but think over the past year and the changes that have led me to this current situation.
so much has changed in the past year, a new city, new jobs, new friends but gaining that l've lost some good old friends, a band that consumed my life for 6 years and a general sense of security.now l sit unemployed, broke and moving out in 3 weeks with no place or home to go to as yet and it l never thought that a few months of bad circumstances would change my life so drastically and make me feel so lost and feeling my age for the first time.
l guess it's all part of growing up and nothings ever really certain in life but l guess l find charges hard sometimes especially when it comes to friends, its strange how you can be so close to someone for so long then with insignificant things such as jobs,girlfriends,locations etc get in the way it can all just fall apart so quick.
l guess l'm just in a melancholic mood tonight.
the days grow longer and the nights grow darker.....
this songs sums up my mood right now
but this songs gives me hope as things could be a lot worse.
what a riff!
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